Motherhood in the Trenches

Strangely enough, the other day I found myself watching Michelle Duggar and her posse. The scene was about teaching the little kids how to share. She used her special Michelle Duggar voice to ask the boys to share the trucks with the girls. No snarls, no complaints…nothing. The boys simply turned and handed them to the girls. Flash back to Michelle who comments: “It can be a struggle teaching these kids that they are not the center of the universe and that sharing is a part of life. But I know we will yield the fruit later.” Cannot disagree with her. But I am confused by her choice of the word “struggle”. I understand editing, but seriously, those Duggar kids don’t strike me as difficult. Watch an episode, or all of them. They are downright complacent little angels. Give me 19 of those—I know my 4 would cause more mess and stress. I have no problem with the Duggar’s. Her comment just solidified in my mind that as Mother’s, we all see “struggles” differently.

I watched this short video on a blog I read semi-regularly and I was the only one to leave a negative comment. I usually don’t do that, but felt I had to give my take on the video when everyone else just praised the Mom to high heaven. I commented that in my view, I think that while she was extremely busy and working very, very hard, it was not what I would consider challenging. She was feeding her kids. No screaming babies—they both sat in the high chairs watching for quite awhile until they were actually fed. The other kids fed themselves—no food on the walls, no fights, no tears, no mama hand holding. The Mom was dressed—nicely—as were her kids. The kitchen from our view, was spotless.

That’s great she got all these kids fed, dressed and ready. But try that with no sleep, no clean clothes to wear and no clothes other than fat maternity clothes because you can’t lose any of your baby weight. Try that with dishes left over from the past week because you are worn so thin by the end of dinner that even fighting and or bribing your kids to do their basic jobs is just too much for you. Try doing that when you have a baby who wont sit in a high chair, wont eat unless you hold him, and wont sit still. Try that with 3 kids fighting, and each one complaining about something wrong with the breakfast. Add in making lunches, reminding them to brush their teeth, put on shoes and find backpacks. Don’t forget your husband calling in the middle of this to tell you that the rent is due today and must be postmarked and at the post office before 9 am in order to be there absolutely on time. Oh, and because of the mess, and fighting and chaos, you break down and get out the secret Halloween candy stash and tell the kids for every minute of silence, you will give them a a piece of candy. Do you think women would be praising this Mom for her courage, her calm manner, her inspiration? You and I both know the answer to that. I think those women were in awe that someone looked so good doing what we all do everyday. Other than that, I just don’t get it. Feeding 5 kids, twin babies included, is serious work, but amazing and inspirational? My sister in law did it and no one gave her an award. Getting dressed isn’t heroic. It requires time and an ability to put yourself first. Since having children, I’ve lost control over time and the effort to put myself first. Something always gets in the way, and I look ridiculous with makeup on while wearing pajamas.

Yet it’s these Mom’s—Mom’s like me—who aren’t walking advertisements for motherhood perfection, that have the hardest time with the seemingly perfect Mom’s who do it all and look absolutely great doing it. Five kids in under 5 years? Doesn’t faze them or their craft time. 2 sets of twins? Won’t hurt their hips. Husbands who travel all over the world for weeks at a time? Their house is always Crate and Barrel perfect.

So I invite Mother’s of all shapes, sizes, temperaments, attitudes and levels of anxiety to my world. I get up everyday, and multiple times every night, and put on my game face. I deal with the challenges of children with different abilities, talents and problems, and I do it with faith that I can get through even the toughest of times if I just hang in there long enough. I don’t have time to get dressed everyday, and I only wear makeup to Church on Sunday or if I have to go to my children’s school. I befriend neighbors and talk to people even though I am appalled by my appearance or the fact that I didn’t brush my teeth yet. I cook 5 meals a week and on Friday’s we eat the cheapest pizza I can find because that’s my break. I clean my own house, wash my own car and colored my own hair for 6 years until I was told my hair was turning green. Come hang with me while I sweep the floor, struggle with children in time out or refusing to nap. I can carry on a conversation while sorting laundry, defrosting meat for dinner, listening to my children in the other room and letting my little one cry it out in his crib. And I think most of my friends can too. Because that is real life. It’s dirty, messy, loud, and terrifying, yet joyful, satisfying and character building. Some days you want to hang your hat, and other days you want to shout for joy at what came your way.

Motherhood is different for everyone, and I totally embrace that. Just stop the idolizing of the women who make it look easy because really truly, kids who don’t fight you ARE easy. Mothers of easy children don’t understand my world, just as I can’t understand the hourly struggles of a Mother of a handicapped or seriously ill child. Those are the true heroes. Those are the women that deserve and really need the positive affirmation and the kudos from their mothering peers.

Feeding 5 kids at once is work—but not if they all eat compliantly. Those conforming Duggar kids? They are adorable, and I would love for my children to have them for friends. But seriously, I think most Mom’s that I know would find mothering them a breeze. So let’s not all sing the praises for the Mom’s of easy children, okay? Because if you can get your kids dressed, happy and eating without any problems, you are having a very good day.

Thank you for listening. I feel much better. And now I have a bathroom to clean and a kid crying for no good reason. Oh, and I’m doing laundry since I’m out of underwear. Seriously.